The Sky Blue Half-Sweater

Apologies for the hiatus. I couldn’t get down to writing for the blog due to the visit of some pretty important people and another writing assignment (which would be published here if not appreciated elsewhere). But the twenty-tenner deserved a last post – so here goes nothing.
The period leading up to the New Year (I have no idea why it’s always CAPITALISED) is supposed to be a time of finding new resolutions to break, but it is also a time to reflect on the year that was. This was a year with a lot of firsts – first degree, first job, first blog, first flat and first time I consciously made efforts to keep in contacts with my friends.
While doing the new, I realised that when one is in an environment for a considerable amount of time and then does something for the first time – the responses from friends, colleagues and acquaintances are as varied and off the mark as could be. So, the first time I wore a sky blue half sweater to work I drew the following responses:
EJ : You look warmer (read hotter! :P)
Colleague1 : I was also thinking of bringing the woollens out.
Colleague2 : Is it really that cold?
Pseudo Boss (also wearing a half sweater) : What’s your excuse?
Boss :  Are you feeling alright?
Me : I hope this sweater hides my newly engorged belly.
Note: The section below is fathomable to only those with whom I have spent the better part of the last four years.
Other possible responses had they been present –
Bhuvi : What is that thing you’re wearing called?
TVS : Batman doesn’t wear sweaters. He has a cape!!
B****** : Fat B**** you look fatter!
Vodka : This sweater is half-stitched.
Harry : Was I in Bharti when these imaginary comments were made?
Zizou : The sweater is wearing me to ward off the cold!!!!!!!!!
Housie : I also want one! Wait, no I don’t. Well maybe I do. Then again I really don’t need it.
Bhasin : Statistically speaking, an Orange color would have generated more hits (votes).. but don't worry I can swing it for you :D
Prakii : Why am I the last one in this hypothetical list?? @#$@#%!!!

Unanimity in Polity

 This was supposed to be about a certain journalistic breakthrough but ended up being yet another boring and dreary piece about the dismal state of politics. While going through the copious references to the leaks by various agencies, one common factor dawned upon me – not a single head of state had unequivocally shown his/her support for the embattled founder and his creation. Julian Assange, whom many have rechristened as the “Cyber Osama”, through the WikiLeaks has in fact done something even OBL could not – he has divided the populus and united the polity. The September 11 attacks, by shaking the bedrock of American arrogance, instilled a sense of fear which brought them on the same pitch as the government in its War against Terror. It took them 8 years to come out of that shell and throw out the Bush administration. The Cablegate incident on the other hand has divided American public into those who condemn callous treatment of confidential transcripts and those who champion free speech. Since the leaked cables date back to ‘66 and span across multiple presidencies, both the Democrats and the Republicans are unanimous on their stand of plugging the leaks.

Closer home, Ratan Tata attempts to invoke the same unanimity by petitioning to increase the scope of the 2G scam probe to the time when the BJP-led NDA was in majority. If he succeeds, he would at least save the nation a part of the bounty that Raja has allegedly stolen from her. The recent logjam over the relevance of a Joint Parliamentary Committee (JPC) in the winter session of the Parliament has caused a loss of  ` 171 crores to the nation. With the UPA and opposition parties playing the blame game, this session has turned out to be one of the most un-productive ones in the history of the Indian Parliament. A senior Congress spokesperson, with all the arrogance of the world, has said that since his party is in power what ever it decides has to be followed. The Opposition is unyielding to the extent of blackmailing the government by stalling parliamentary procedure for no less than 23 days. Interestingly, the only thing that was agreed upon was a minute of silence in remembrance of the 2001 attacks – not on the WTC or Pentagon but the Parliament House itself.

The present telecom minister, while debating the merits of a JPC, claimed that it has none since there already are seven different agencies investigating the same and that a JPC is nothing but a vehicle for political propaganda. What is interesting is that it was the UPA while in the opposition that held the then government to ransom when the Tehelka expose was a burning issue. The NDA in response has decided to hold apolitical rallies in seven Indian states campaigning against the rampant corruption of the central administration. Not surprisingly Karnataka, where NDA itself is under criticism, is not one of them. Such blatant disregard for democratic principles is not only impeding positive growth but is also creating an atmosphere where the electorate is left befuddled and distraught. If members of the Indian polity cannot be unanimous in their opinion, they can at least agree to disagree and leave the public to decide for itself who the culprits really are instead of throwing flower pots in the assembly or holding dharnas on the speaker’s table.

Having talked of the U.S.A and India, it becomes imperative to mention the supreme example of political unanimity – The People’s Republic of China. It may seem redundant and frivolous to talk about unanimity in a single-party system, but remember that the founders of the Muslim League and Janata Party were also once members of what has now evolved into the Congress (I). China through its enforced unilateralism has emerged as the leader in terms of production and export of agricultural and industrial goods. Now before you play the “violation of human rights” card, it would be wise to note that China ranks above India in the Human Development Index. And the figures that contribute to such indices are distorted in both nations.

As Charles Dickens famously wrote, and we will keep on quoting him (as nothing better has since been said or written), “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”. Our economy has been growing leaps and bounds and in contrast the politicians have managed to submerge to greater depths than previously imaginable. It is now upto us to make the best or worst out of it.

We need those Scams!

If you pick up any newspaper or tune into any decent news channel (the seemingly indecent ones for that matter also present scandals of a different nature), you would be barraged with news about scams. The amount of deceit and fraud that we are capable of is not astounding. There are instances in our religious and mythological texts which portray heroes engaging in trickery and deception for the triumph of good over evil. And I’m talking not only of the picaresque works. Although nowadays the ultimate goal of such deeds has changed, the guile with which they are accomplished remains the same. Whether it is the CWG fiasco, Chief Ministers playing God in their states or central ministers buffing up their wallets, the astuteness displayed by them is just short of exemplary. “Just short” because they got caught! But that means naught in India – chances are slim that they would be punished severely and even if they are, it will only add to their political credentials.

Now, we may raise a lot of brouhaha over them, call for justice to be done or shout our larynxes out to anyone who’s unkind enough not to lend an ear; the fact remains that we need these scams.

Here’s why.

Firstly, because they are great motivating agents. Why else will a poor officer, sitting in a tin-shack under the scorching sun with no air-conditioning work, on the road project he is to complete? Why would a lowly peon take your papers to the concerned babu? Who would build large stadiums and housing complexes within time at rock-bottom prices? We all need that modicum of incentive to do our jobs! So why shouldn’t a minister or bureaucrat expect the same. After all, they do offer premium services.

Secondly, because the media covets them. I mean it’s not every day that a popular head of state visits or our sportspersons win a host of medals or two enthralling dance numbers engage the nation in a popularity contest! So what do those news-starved media persons do when their superiors breathe down their necks? They rely on the old-faithful - scams. It’s either that or they manufacture news-worthy stories which, I don’t think anybody wants. What began as reporting atrocities of the erstwhile British Raj, has metamorphosed into scandalous revelations about modern day Rajas (no pun intended). The industry employs nearly (number of people) – where would all these folks go if we stop having scams. The netas know this when they say they will generate employment opportunities.

Thirdly, because watchdog agencies thrive upon them. The scams justify their institution ­­and validate their existence, wherein lies the paradox: if there are no scams, what will these agencies whose ultimate aim is to cleanse the system do? The C.A.G would then stand for Corpulent Ass-Grabbers, the CVC for Committee of Vigilante Corruption and ED for Executive Dick.

Fourthly, because they’re a matter of national pride. According to the Bribe Payer’s Index (yes, such a listing does exist!), Indians are most likely to give a bribe to comply with demands of corrupt business practises. We have got to compete with the likes of Morocco, Albania and Lesotho in terms of who has the most amount of public money diverted to private funds. We just have to live up to our rich corrupt heritage and continue the legacy. Those nansy-pansy small time crooks can’t beat us at our own game!

Lastly, because the scams need us too! There is so much money flowing around in the markets (white, black and grey) that someone is needed to look after it. The United States of America being a capitalist state has left it to the Madoffs and Frankels. India being a mixed economy allows for a Public-Private Partnership; where, as with most enterprises, the Government has the lion’s share. Money is taken from the common man, who obviously is left with too much after paying taxes and repaying loans, invested in companies and funds which provide employment to masses enabling them to earn more money and thus ask for more loans.

It’s win-win-win situation. The government is happy with all the development, the graciously corrupt officials are happy as they are providing a service to the society while getting rich and the common man is happy because of the seemingly increased spending power. Only a fool would not want a scam in these circumstances!

To sign-off, be corrupt and let others be corrupt. Make yourself worthy of your country!

Note: Abbreviations courtesy S.V.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in this post are those of the individual author and no binding nature of the posts shall be implied or assumed unless the author does so expressly with due authority of the firm He/She works for.

Disclaimer to the above “Disclaimer”: The above disclaimer has been put up by my own free will and no individual or individuals there-of have coerced me into doing so.

POST Zero

To all those wondering why "0"                                             ‎

a.      I can delete this post if it sucks.

b.      It seeks attention.

c.      It's befitting since India supposedly gave the world the concept.

 The first month of the first job. After having braved the horrendous Mumbai traffic for fifteen days, I was granted the comfort of the comparatively smoother one of New Delhi. There were six of us, sent to the Capital for "on the field" induction into the company's culture and inducted we were! Courtesy Mr. D­-, who bears a striking resemblance to the laughing Buddha: a glabrous dome, generous paunch and a look of immense satisfaction on his visage. Being the safety officer, he sends us to inspect the facility for fire protection devices along with one of his lackeys. When we return after spending 2 hours doing so in the sweltering Delhi heat, Mr D- says, between mouthfuls of pakodas and sips of his chai*, "Arre! Itni jaldi kaise aa gaye?" One of my colleagues bravely ventures a reply: "We have seen all the measures thoroughly." This seems to intrigue Mr D-, as he wipes his hand on a paper napkin and with a wry smile asks some extraordinarily weird but apparently relevant question which I still don’t know the answer to. Nervous and clueless as to what our next step should be, we remain silent as misfortune struck. Not on us though, but the “lackey” who was supposed to show us around. We hastily escape his office to the safety of the canteen which was to be one of our safe-houses for the remainder of the tour, the other being the conference room*.

A few days later, while we’re reporting to our in-charge, Mr D- comes around and starts illustrating about a certain protection device introduced during the FIFA World Cup in South Africa that supposedly clutches the causative instrument and renders it “inadequate”. We are in a fix: whether to laugh and be labelled as lewd youngsters or keep straight faces and make Mr D- think he’s not funny. At that moment we learn one of the most important rules* for surviving in such a firm: The boss is always right. So we duplicate the expression of our in-charge and make a mental note to always abide by that rule.

P.S.:

1.      It is always “chai”, not the British rip-off “tea” which according to Merriam-Webster is also slang for marijuana these days.

2.      The conference room hosted some of the best pen-fight matches the world has never seen, although I’m told a video has found its way on to Facebook.

3.      There’s also a second rule which states: When in doubt, refer the first rule.